For the past few days I haven’t really been able to do anything. I’ve been inside a lot and when I’m stuck in one place I think. I begin to sit and dwell on everything that’s in my head.
I’ve said it before. I’m an emotional guy. I always have been. I’ve always been the heart-on-my-sleeve kinda dude. I put myself out there and I open myself up and I let people in. I’m extremely trusting, and I’m even more so extremely vulnerable than I normally am.
But last year I got out of an extremely volatile relationship. I got so used to arguing and attacking each other that I let it close me off. I stopped wanting to be me because I thought I was never gonna be good enough for anyone anymore. I had gained weight, lost faith in myself, and I was depressed. Really depressed. Not because the relationship was ending, but because I had let myself get to that point.
Right after that, I started chasing a girl who I thought was special. But I kept myself closed off. I wasn’t prepared to open myself up because I still wasn’t that happy with me. As it turned out, it wasn’t going anywhere anyway. Between me and her, it wasn’t anything real. I was a distraction from her boyfriend. (I at the time thought they were not together.) For a couple months, I did nothing but work and drink myself into this self-hatred that kinda broke me.
Finally, one night, it all came to a stop. I told myself no more of it, and I broke myself away.
But I never opened back up. I never was myself again. I held onto things from one relationship to another. And that’s something I never did. I held onto my insecurities, my anger, my hatred towards this person I became.
And so I lied. About stupid, dumb things that I had no need to. Because it was never about that. I wasn’t being judged like I had gotten used to. I wasn’t being ridiculed. I found someone who wanted me to be better for myself, while I was thinking I had to be better for someone else.
I get that I have to be better for myself, because that in turn is me being better for someone else. I understand all of it so clearly now. It makes perfect sense.
I’m writing this as an apology, as a thank you, as anything it wants to be taken as. I want it to be clear that I am sorry, that I am thankful, that I am truthful. And that it took all of this for me to snap out of being this person and being me.
I’m still in bed. I have moved since I woke up around 10. My back and neck are sore, my hair looks insane, and all I want is warmth because it’s freezing in my house.
It’s supposed to snow in Jersey. I really hope it does.
Anonymous asked: What happened to your girlfriend?
I fucked up and was dishonest with her. And I forgot the real reason I was with her. And it sucks, and I miss her so much. But I messed up and this is the consequence.
One shot, one thing. Ask me anything you wanna know, and I’ll answer completely truthfully. Go go go.